Finding Your Pause Button

We all have those moments we wish we could take back.

The snarky reply we fired off too quickly.
The conversation we replayed in our heads all night.
The text or email that sent us into a spiral.

If you’ve ever thought, “Why did I react like that?” or “I wish I’d handled that differently,” you’re not alone.

There’s a quote I love:

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space.”

That little space?
That’s where your agency lives.

Today, we’re talking about how to build your superpower of response and stop living in automatic reaction mode.

Because most of us were never taught how to use the space between what we hear and what we do.

The Hidden Middle Step: Interpretation

Let’s start with the truth most of us were never taught:

What other people say does not directly cause your emotions.

Between their words and your feelings is your interpretation of their intention.

Let me say that again:

• They say something.

• You interpret what it means.

• Then you feel something — hurt, angry, embarrassed, defensive.

All of that happens so fast it feels like one step. But it isn’t.

The missing piece in the middle is:

Interpretation → the story you tell yourself about what their words mean.

Think about a time someone completely misunderstood you or wildly overreacted to something simple you said.

They weren’t actually responding to your intention.
They were reacting to their interpretation of you:

• If they believe you’re selfish, they hear your request as selfish.

• If they believe you’re critical, they hear feedback as an attack.

• If they believe you don’t care, they interpret your delay as rejection.

Once I saw this clearly, it blew my mind.
I remember realizing, “Oh… this person isn’t reacting to me. They’re reacting to who they think I am.”

That realization is powerful — not because we can fix other people (we can’t), but because it reminds us:

You are responsible for your side of the space.
And that is a superpower.

If there’s no space, there can only be a reaction.
You have to create space in order to choose a response.

Reacting vs Responding: What’s the Difference?

This alone can be a huge lightbulb moment.

What Reacting Looks Like

A reaction is:

• Fast

• Automatic

• Emotion-driven

• Tied to old experiences, not just the present moment

It sounds like:

• Your partner says, “Are you really wearing that?” → you instantly snap back.

• Your boss sends a short, blunt email → you instantly feel attacked.

• Your teen rolls their eyes → you’re instantly in “Oh absolutely not” mode.

Reacting feels like:

“They did X, and that made me feel Y.”

But what’s really happening is:

1. They say or do something.

2. Your brain interprets it.

3. Your body reacts based on that interpretation.

Reacting is:

“I’m on autopilot. Other people cause my feelings and responses.”

What Responding Looks Like

A response is different. It is:

• Slower

• Conscious

• Values-based

• Anchored in the present, not just your past

When you respond:

• You notice the emotion without letting it run the show. You see it, feel it… and through acknowledging it, you’re able to set it aside.

• You question the story you’re telling yourself. The pause allows you to hear that internal “WTF?” before it flies out of your mouth — and then you challenge it.

• You choose what you want to stand for in that moment. You decide: Is this really the hill I want to die on?

Responding is:

“I’m in the driver’s seat. I choose how I’m going to respond to this.”

Here’s the key idea:

Your agency lives in the space between what they say and what you decide it means.
The meaning is always up to you.

Our goal is not to become a robot who never feels anything.
Our goal is to create enough space that you consciously choose — because even when you’re reacting by default, you’re still choosing… you’re just doing it unconsciously.

The Space in the Middle: Interpretation & Intention

Let’s zoom in on that space between their words and your feelings.

You might think:

• “They made me feel disrespected.”

• “She made me feel small.”

• “He made me feel stupid.”

• “That email ruined my day.”

But what actually happened was:

• They said something.

• You interpreted it a certain way.

• Then you felt a specific emotion.

The email itself? Just words on a screen.

Your brain reads it and instantly fills in:

• Tone

• Intention

• Backstory

And that story is often built from:

• Old wounds

• Past relationships

• Childhood dynamics

• Fears about not being enough, not being valued, not being safe

So between their words and your feelings is something incredibly important:

Your assumption about their intention.

A Simple Example

You text a friend:

“Hey, want to grab dinner next week?”

Hours later she replies:

“Next week’s really busy. Maybe later this month.”

Facts:

• She said next week is busy.

• She suggested later this month.

Your brain might go:

• “She’s blowing me off.”

• “She doesn’t really want to see me.”

• “I’m always the one reaching out.”

Now you feel hurt. Maybe you pull back. Maybe you stew on it.

But there are at least 20 other possible stories:

• She’s genuinely overwhelmed.

• Evenings are full of kids’ activities right now.

• She’s trying to set a boundary and stay connected.

• She’s exhausted and doing the best she can.

Same words.
Completely different interpretation → completely different feelings.

Emotional intelligence is simply the ability to say:

“I notice the story I’m telling myself… and I’m willing to question it.”

That’s the space.

The PAUSE Framework: How to Find Your Pause Button

So… how do we actually create that space?

Here’s a simple, repeatable process you can use in real time.
Think of it as your PAUSE framework.

P — Physically Pause

When something triggers you:

• Take a breath. Literally.

• Unclench your jaw.

• Drop your shoulders.

If it’s a text or email:

• Do not respond immediately.

• Put your phone down.

• Walk away — I literally get up from my desk and walk away for a few minutes.
  The stronger the feelings, the longer I wait before I come back to that message.

If it’s a live conversation, you can say:

• “Give me a moment to think about that.”

• “I want to respond thoughtfully — can we come back to this in a few minutes?”

You’re buying yourself 10 seconds.
Ten seconds is enough to change the outcome.

And please remember:

You do not owe anyone an immediate response.

(And yes, I’m still working on this one too.)

A — Ask: What Am I Feeling?

Name it clearly:

• “I’m feeling embarrassed.”

• “I’m feeling disrespected.”

• “I’m feeling dismissed.”

• “I’m feeling scared.”

Just naming the emotion starts to move you out of pure reaction.

Try shifting from:

• “I am angry.”

to:

• “I am noticing a feeling of anger.”

You are not your emotions.
You are the person experiencing them.

U — Uncover the Story

Now ask yourself:

“What story am I telling myself about what they meant?”

For example:

• “I’m telling myself my boss thinks I’m incompetent.”

• “I’m telling myself my partner doesn’t value my time.”

• “I’m telling myself my friend doesn’t really care about me.”

Then ask:

• “Is this the only possible story?”

• “What else might be true?”

This doesn’t mean you excuse bad behavior.
It just means you don’t let your first, most painful interpretation be the only one.

S — Select Your Intention

Before you decide what to do, ask:

“Who do I want to be in this moment?”

This is hard, because it moves you from reacting to what they did to choosing who you want to be. The decision lands squarely on your shoulders — and that’s uncomfortable and powerful.

Not:

• “How do I make them see I’m right?”

• “How do I hurt them back?”

But:

• “Do I want to be grounded or defensive?”

• “Do I want to be curious or closed off?”

• “Do I want to move this relationship forward or burn it down?”

Your intention becomes your anchor.

E — Express a Response (Not a Reaction)

Now, after you’ve done the internal work, you respond.

It might sound like:

• “When you said X, I felt Y. Can we talk about what you meant?”

• “I’m assuming you didn’t intend it this way, but here’s how that landed for me.”

• “I read your email and my first reaction was to feel defensive. I want to make sure I understand what you’re asking for.”

Notice the difference:

• Reaction:

  “Wow, that was rude.”

• Response:

  “Hey, can I clarify something? Here’s how that came across on my end…”

One escalates.
The other creates connection and gives you more information.

Personally, whenever I get upset, I try to come at it from curiosity first:

• “Tell me more…”

• “Help me understand what that looks like in practice.”

This is especially powerful when you feel attacked or unfairly dumped on.
At work, it’s brilliant. At home, it helps you get to the root of what the other person actually meant.

Practicing the Pause in Real Life

Let’s bring this home.

You’re not going to suddenly become Zen during your biggest argument overnight — that’s like trying to PR a marathon when you’ve never run a mile.

You build this muscle in small, everyday moments.

A few practice ideas:

• Someone cuts you off in traffic → PAUSE.
  Notice the story:

  “They’re an idiot,”
  versus,
  “They might be having a really rough day.”

• Your partner uses a crass or sharp tone → PAUSE.
  Instead of, “He’s being such a jerk,” try:

  “Hey, you sound stressed — are you okay?”

• Your boss sends a short, direct email → PAUSE.
  Instead of spiraling, ask yourself:

  “Does this actually say I did something wrong?”
  If not, choose a grounded interpretation:
  “She’s probably short on time and needed to get this over quickly.
  She values my input and wants my brain on this. This must be important — let me dig in.”

The goal is not perfection.

The goal is to notice one or two moments a day where you can turn a knee-jerk reaction into a conscious response.

Over time, this does something powerful:

• It rebuilds your relationship with yourself — you see that you can trust yourself to stay grounded, regardless of what’s happening around you.

• It improves your relationships — because you’re not dumping gasoline on every spark. You offer alternative interpretations and gracious assumptions instead.

• It protects your energy — because you’re not carrying around painful stories that might not even be true. You feel lighter on the inside.

Remember:

What others say doesn’t directly control your emotions.
Between their words and your feelings is your interpretation — and that is where your agency lives.

You can’t control what they say.
But you always have some power over what you do with it.

You’re Not Broken — You’re Ready for Something New

To the woman who feels like she’s constantly on edge — ready to snap, shut down, or spiral:

You’re not broken.
You’re not “too sensitive.”
You’ve just been living in reaction mode for a long time.

Today is your invitation to build a different way of being:

• One breath at a time

• One pause at a time

• One new story at a time

You can learn to respond instead of react.
That’s emotional intelligence.
That’s self-trust.
That’s you reclaiming your power.

If this resonated with you, share it with a friend who’s also working on her pause button. I created a PAUSE Framework guide to support your shift from instinctively reacting to thoughtfully responding. This is a completley free guide that you can download to help you on your journey. Please follow the link below or click on the store to find this as well as other tools you can use. 

The PAUSE Framework