How to Know Where You Are (So You Can Actually Move Forward)

By Shelly Cammish

Change.

Not the “new year, new me” version.
Not the motivational quote version.
Not the performative Instagram version.

The real version.

The version where you want something different…
But you feel stuck.
You notice repeating patterns in yourself.
You feel like you’re cycling through the same behavior — in relationships, health, money, career — and you don’t know how to get out.

If that’s you, this framework will change how you see yourself.

Today we’re breaking down the six stages of change, based on the Transtheoretical Model of Change developed by James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente, and referenced in Changing to Thrive.

This model — among others — is one of the tools I use inside my coaching practice to help women get unstuck.

Because here’s the truth:

Most of us believe change requires physical action.
We believe in order to change, we must DO something different.

But we rarely stop to understand the psychology of where we are and why we aren’t moving.

Today, we change that.

Why Most Women Think They’re in “Action”

We tell ourselves:

• “I just need more discipline.”

• “I need to try harder.”

• “I need to commit.”

I told myself these things for years.

If I fell off the workout plan, I’d double it the next day.
If I ate poorly today, I’d restrict harder tomorrow.
If I slipped in a habit, I’d punish myself with willpower.

Sound familiar?

But here’s the hard truth:

Action is Stage Four.

And when we try to start at Stage Four, we fail — almost every time.

Ever tried to diet?
Quit smoking?
Leave a toxic relationship?
Stop drinking?
Fix your finances overnight?

When we attempt action without psychological readiness, we relapse.

Not because we’re weak.
Because we skipped stages.

The 6 Stages of Change

Stage 1: Pre-Contemplation

“Nothing is wrong.”

This is the stage where you are not considering change.

That doesn’t mean you aren’t aware of the issue.
It means you’re not ready to address it.

In this stage, you typically fall into one of three categories:

1. Lack of Knowledge

You genuinely don’t know how to change.
A doctor tells you you’re diabetic — but you don’t know what to eat.
You’re emotionally exhausted — but you don’t know why.

You don’t know what you don’t know.

2. Demoralization

You’ve tried before and failed.
The patch. The plan. The therapist. The willpower.

So you minimize:

• “I know it’s bad, but I’ve tried.”

• “It’s not that serious.”

3. Defensiveness

You defend the behavior:

• “It’s not that bad.”

• “I only drink one a day.”

• “I wouldn’t do this if…”

You avoid conversations.
You justify.
You blame circumstances.

You move out of pre-contemplation when discomfort outweighs denial.

When you “almost” have had enough.

Stage 2: Contemplation

“Something isn’t right.”

This is the quiet, uncomfortable middle. You know something must change.
But you haven’t acted. You’re between almost had enough and had enough.

You start thinking:

• “Maybe this isn’t working.”

• “Maybe I deserve better.”

• “Maybe this is affecting my health.”

• “Maybe I’m exhausted for a reason.”

There is no action here. In fact, action feels overwhelming. This stage can last years. This is also the stage where people around you may get frustrated with you. You tend to 'talk' about the issue without really addressing it. 

Women live here with:

• Careers

• Alcohol

• Marriages

• Boundaries

• Financial habits

Contemplation feels like clarity growing…But fear still louder. So instead of action you start to....gather evidence, talk it out, research outcomes, and/or analyze every scenario.

This is normal.
This is healthy.
This is necessary.

But rumination is not the same as movement. Sometimes you feel like 'research' is action but your not really doing anything. You are the only one who can move from contemplation to preparation.

No one can push you forward before you’re ready. 

Stage 3: Preparation

“I’m getting ready.”

This is the planning stage.

You might:

• Research therapists

• Tour gyms

• Listen to financial podcasts

• Update your resume

• Read sobriety books

• Track spending

You haven’t fully changed. But you’re trying on the new identity. Preparation is hopeful. It feels powerful.
It feels possible. But it’s fragile. Because you’re imagining the new you — without yet disrupting the old one. If you are not careful you can learn to 'live' in the fantasy. However, too much fantasy leads to disappointment.

The key is grounded planning, not escapism. Be realistic in your planning. 

Stage 4: Action

“I’m doing it.”

This is the visible stage. This is also a very scary stage...every step forward can be scary and impowering at the same time. This is when you finally....

• File for divorce

• Quit drinking

• Start therapy

• Launch the business

• Ask for the raise

• Set the boundary

Action is measurable. It’s noticeable. It’s often disruptive. There WILL be reactions from the “crowd.” Depending on the size action you plan on taking could come with very large reactions. Action is emotionally intense.

And here’s the truth:

Action without preparation often collapses. This is WHY we must go through the other stages and appreciate them. 

Change is not about willpower.
It’s about readiness. No one can rush you into action but a good coach and help guide you through the stages so you are prepared and ready for action. 

Stage 5: Maintenance

“I am becoming this.”

This is the most powerful stage. Identity begins to shift. You’re no longer:

“Trying to stop drinking.”
You are: “A woman who doesn’t drink.”

You’re no longer:

“Trying to save money.”
You are: “A woman who invests.”

Maintenance requires:

• Boundaries

• Environmental changes

• New routines

• Emotional regulation

• Systems

You can’t get divorced and still live together. You can’t quit drinking and stay in drinking environments nightly. Without maintenace change doesn't last...we go back to the old us becuase we 'tried' and failed. We were not prepared and if we were prepared we didn't put the systems in place to help us stay with the change. 

Maintenance is less dramatic than action —
But it’s where consistency lives.

It’s where the new life stabilizes. This stage requires support. support of a coach, friends and family. 

Stage 6: Termination

“This is no longer a temptation.”

The old behavior has no emotional pull. You don’t negotiate with it. You don’t romanticize it.
You don’t crave it. It’s not effort.

It’s identity.

The old version of you feels like someone you used to know.

Not every change reaches termination.
Some habits require lifelong maintenance.

That’s normal.

Termination takes time.

For example, when I quit smoking, termination came nearly two years after action.

Everyone’s timeline is different.

The Most Important Truth

You cannot skip stages.

You cannot shame yourself forward.

Growth is not linear.

Many people cycle:

Action → Maintenance → Slip → Contemplation → Preparation → Action again.

That is not failure.

That is process.

Ask Yourself This Instead

Stop asking:

“What’s wrong with me?”

Start asking:

“What stage am I in?”

Because when you know your stage,
You know your next move.

• Pre-contemplation needs awareness.

• Contemplation needs courage.

• Preparation needs structure.

• Action needs support.

• Maintenance needs boundaries.

• Termination needs identity alignment.

You are not stuck.

You are in a stage.

And once you name it —
You can move through it.

If you're ready to move through your stage with structure and accountability, my coaching sessions are designed specifically to help shorten the cycle and create lasting change.