You Don’t Attract What You Want—You Attract What You Are

There is a phrase I come back to whenever I think about the Law of Attraction: energy flows where focus goes.

You've probably heard some version of it before. Maybe you've heard that we attract the frequency we're putting out into the world, that our thoughts become things, or that if we can simply raise our vibration, we can begin attracting the life we want.

I think there is something incredibly useful buried underneath a lot of the mystical language surrounding manifestation, but perhaps not in the way it's usually explained.

Because one of the most powerful ideas behind the Law of Attraction is also one of the most uncomfortable:

You don't attract what you want. You attract what you are.  Pasted text

That doesn't mean you can sit on your couch, think positively enough, and somehow command the universe to deliver the perfect relationship, career, bank account, or life. It also doesn't mean that every bad thing that happens to you is somehow the result of your “bad energy.”

What it does mean is that our beliefs influence what we notice. What we notice influences the choices we make. Our expectations influence our behavior. Our behavior influences how we interact with other people. Our standards affect what we accept, and our habits determine the environments we continue putting ourselves in.

So instead of asking the universe to change your life, I want to ask a much more uncomfortable—and useful—question:

What are you repeatedly bringing into your life, and what might you be doing that helps keep it there?  Pasted text

Mean Dog, Mean Owner

I have a joke I like to make: mean dog, mean owner.

Whenever I meet a dog, I swear the owner often seems surprisingly similar. An anxious, snippy dog? There's often an anxious owner nearby. Calm dog? Calm owner. Mean dog? Well...you get the idea.

Is this scientifically true in every situation? Of course not. I haven't met every dog and every owner, and dogs have their own temperaments, genetics, histories, training experiences and personalities. So don't send me angry emails about your rescue dog that just happens to look like a show dog from the pound. I won't read them.

But there is something underneath the joke worth considering: we influence our environment, and our environment influences us.

Think about the people you naturally gravitate toward. Think about your closest friends and the people you've dated. Think about the conversations you participate in, what you tolerate, what you reward with your attention, and what you're willing to walk away from.

Eventually, patterns begin to emerge.

And sometimes when we ask, “Why do I keep attracting these people?” the more useful question isn't, “Why does the universe keep sending them to me?”

It's:

“Why do I keep selecting them, accepting them, or keeping them?”

That question is powerful because now you're back in the driver's seat. There is something you can actually change. Pasted text

Your Focus Changes What You See

Your brain cannot consciously process every piece of information around you at once. It has to decide what deserves your attention.

We've all experienced this in simple ways. You decide you're interested in buying a certain car and suddenly that car seems to be everywhere. Did thousands of them magically appear on the road because you started thinking about buying one?

Of course not.

They were already there.

Your attention changed.

Now take that idea into relationships.

If somewhere inside you believe love has to be earned, who are you going to notice? If you believe relationships require you to constantly prove your value, who feels attractive? If inconsistency feels familiar to you, could an inconsistent person initially feel strangely comfortable? If you've convinced yourself that good partners are nearly impossible to find, how much evidence are you collecting every day to reinforce that belief?

This is where I think “frequency” becomes a useful metaphor.

What are you focused on? What are you expecting? What are you communicating? What are you tolerating? And perhaps most importantly, what do you believe you're worthy of receiving?

Those things can absolutely affect the life you build. Pasted text

“I Just Want a Nice Guy”

Let's use romantic relationships because this is where the Law of Attraction gets really interesting.

How many times have you heard someone say—or maybe you've said yourself:

“I just want a nice guy.”

Or:

“Why can't I find an all-around nice guy?”

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a kind partner. But listen underneath that sentence for a moment.

Why has nice become the requirement?

Maybe because you've experienced a whole lot of not nice.

Your goal is now being defined by what you're trying to escape.

Traditional explanations of the Law of Attraction might say that when you tell the universe, “I want a nice man,” the universe hears the underlying message “I don't have nice men in my life,” and therefore sends you more of what you don't want.

There isn't scientific evidence that the universe processes our language that way.

But there is something psychologically important about building your entire goal around what you don't want.

Instead of:

I don't want another liar.

I don't want someone emotionally unavailable.

I don't want another narcissist.

I don't want another relationship where I'm doing everything.

Tell me what you do want.

Maybe it's: I want a relationship where both people communicate honestly. I want consistency. I want emotional availability. I want someone whose actions match their words. I want mutual effort. I want kindness and attraction. I want someone who respects my independence and whose independence I respect.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Because once you've defined the relationship you want, there is a much harder question to answer:

Are you living in alignment with the relationship you say you want?  Pasted text

You Cannot Ask for Consistency While Accepting Inconsistency

This is where manifestation gets uncomfortable.

It's really easy to make a vision board.

It's much harder to change yourself.

You can say you want an emotionally available partner, but if you continually pursue emotionally unavailable people, what are your actions reinforcing?

You can say you want honesty, but if somebody lies to you three times and you continually explain it away, what are you teaching yourself to tolerate?

You can say you want consistency, but if somebody texts you intensely for three days, disappears for ten, pops back up with “Hey stranger,” and you immediately restart the relationship, you're participating in the pattern.

That isn't the universe punishing you.

That's you getting in your own way.

And I want to be very careful here because this distinction matters enormously. This does not mean that you caused someone else's bad behavior. People don't “manifest” abuse, betrayal, illness, discrimination, tragedy, or the harmful choices other people make. Other people remain responsible for their behavior.

But you are responsible for what you do next.

And that is where your power is. Pasted text

Your External World Cannot Do All the Work on Your Internal World

One of the ideas behind the Law of Attraction that I find valuable is the idea that lasting change often begins internally.

We have a tendency to reverse that equation.

When somebody chooses me, I'll feel worthy.

When I make more money, I'll feel secure.

When I get the promotion, I'll feel successful.

When my life finally looks right, I'll finally feel right.

External circumstances absolutely matter. Money solves real problems. Healthy relationships provide genuine support. A great career can provide meaning, stability, and opportunity.

But none of those things can permanently outsource the work of knowing who you are.

If your underlying belief is people eventually leave me, you may begin searching for evidence that your partner is leaving even when you're in a very different relationship.

So if we're going to use the language of frequency, this is how I want us to think about it:

Your frequency isn't a magic signal you're transmitting into outer space. Think of it as the collection of beliefs, expectations, behaviors, standards and choices you're carrying into the room with you.

If you want a different outcome, sometimes you have to change what you're bringing into the room.

The change starts inside you. Pasted text

Three Ways to Identify What You’re Attracting

Choose one area of your life you're dissatisfied with. It could be your career, finances, health, friendships, or romantic relationships.

Pick one.

For this exercise, we'll use romantic relationships.

1. Stop Looking at the Person and Look at the Pattern

This works best when you can almost step outside yourself and analyze your behavior as though you were looking at someone else's life.

Don't start with your last relationship.

Look at your last three.

What repeats?

Maybe the people themselves were completely different, but the relationship dynamic was surprisingly similar. Write down those similarities without judging yourself.

Were you always chasing the other person? Were you constantly trying to prove yourself worthy? Were you always waiting for them? Did you make excuses for behavior you didn't like? Did you repeatedly choose people who weren't emotionally available? Did relationships begin with incredible intensity and then become inconsistent? Did you overlook early behavior because you were attracted to someone's potential?

Don't judge yourself. Study yourself.

One bad relationship can simply be one bad relationship.

Three or four versions of the same dynamic are information. Pasted text

2. Ask What You’re Rewarding With Your Attention

This one may sting.

Sometimes we say we want one thing while repeatedly giving our time and attention to something completely different.

You say you value consistency.

Who are you texting?

You say you value emotional availability.

Who are you waiting for?

You say you want somebody who knows what they want.

Who are you trying to convince?

You say you want peace.

Who continually creates chaos in your life?

Attention is valuable. Time is valuable. Access to you is valuable.

If somebody gives you behavior you say you don't want and you continually reward that behavior with more access, more explanations, more chances, and more emotional energy, why would the pattern change?

So instead of asking:

“Why do I keep attracting this?”

Try asking:

“Why does this keep receiving access to me?”  Pasted text

3. Become Congruent With What You Say You Want

This is probably the hardest one.

Write down five qualities you want in a partner.

Let's say yours are:

Honest. Emotionally available. Consistent. Kind. Secure.

Now turn the paper around.

Are you practicing those things?

Are you honest about what you want? Are you emotionally available? Are you consistent? Can you be kind without abandoning your boundaries? Are you building your own sense of security, or are you asking another person to provide all of it for you?

This is where the idea you don't attract what you want; you attract what you are becomes less about magic and much more about personal development.

Becoming emotionally healthy doesn't guarantee that an emotionally healthy partner will magically appear at your front door.

What it can do is change who you choose, what you notice, how you communicate, what you tolerate, how quickly you recognize incompatibility, and whether you're willing to stay in a relationship that isn't meeting your standards.

And that changes the pool dramatically. Pasted text

The Universe Isn’t a Vending Machine

There is one final thing I think we need to acknowledge about manifestation.

It can become seductive because it promises control.

Think the right thoughts.

Raise your vibration.

Visualize hard enough.

And the universe will deliver.

But life isn't a vending machine.

Good people experience terrible things. Optimistic people get sick. Loving people get betrayed. Talented people lose jobs. People can do everything “right” and still encounter circumstances they didn't choose.

That doesn't make mindset meaningless.

It makes mindset more sophisticated.

Maybe manifestation isn't sitting at home asking the universe for a different life.

Maybe manifestation is deciding what kind of life you want and then becoming increasingly aligned with the choices required to build it.

You change what you focus on.

You change what you believe.

You change what you tolerate.

You change where you spend your time.

You change who gets access to you.

You change what you pursue.

And eventually, sister, your life can begin to look different because you're showing up differently inside of it.  Pasted text

So here's the question I want you to sit with:

If I keep attracting the same experience, what is the pattern—and what would I have to change in myself to stop participating in it?

There is enormous power in identifying the part that belongs to you because that's the part you actually have the ability to change.

And maybe that's the most useful version of the Law of Attraction after all