Gaslighting: What It Is, How DARVO Works, and 5 Things to Do When It Happens

Women Talk — by Shelly Cammish

Gaslighting is one of those words people throw around—but when you’ve actually lived it, you know it’s not a trendy label. It’s a slow, confusing, reality-warping experience that can make a smart, capable person feel reactive, unsure, and mentally exhausted.

And here’s what makes gaslighting so dangerous: it rarely shows up as one dramatic moment. It shows up as a pattern—a drip—a steady erosion of the trust you have in yourself.

If you’re anything like me, you may have heard the term for years without fully understanding it. I was being gaslit by a narcissist long before I could name it. Once I did, everything changed—not because the other person suddenly “got it,” but because I built tools to identify it and disarm it.

In this post, we’re going to do three things:

1. Get clear on what gaslighting is and what it is not

2. Use a simple model to spot it in real time: DARVO

3. Walk through five practical things you can do when it happens—without getting pulled into the trap

The goal is not to “win the argument.”
The goal is to protect your mind, your boundaries, and your reality.

Part 1: What Gaslighting Is (And What It Is NOT)

Before we define gaslighting, we need to clean up one common problem: people use this word incorrectly. Not every conflict is gaslighting. Not every disagreement is emotional abuse. So let’s be very clear.

Gaslighting is NOT…

1) A normal disagreement or conflict

In healthy disagreement, two people can remember things differently and still respect each other’s reality.

What you might hear in a normal disagreement:

• “I remember it differently.”

• “I don’t think that’s what happened, but I could be wrong.”

• “Let’s check the email/text so we’re on the same page.”

2) Someone asserting a boundary

Boundaries might sound like:

• “I’m not available to talk tonight.”

• “I’m not comfortable with that.”

• “I need space right now.”

• “I’m not OK with that.”

3) A different opinion or preference

• “I don’t like that restaurant.”

• “I think that idea won’t work.”

• “I’d rather handle it another way.”

4) Honest feedback (even if it stings)

• “When you said that, it came across as dismissive.”

• “I felt uncomfortable in that meeting.”

• “I need you to follow through on deadlines.”

5) A clumsy or defensive response that still owns reality

• “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

• “I’m feeling criticized and I’m reacting.”

• “I need a minute—can we come back to this?”

6) An apology that doesn’t rewrite history

• “I’m sorry. You’re right—that was rude.”

• “I forgot. That’s on me.”

• “I can see why you’d feel that way.”

7) Miscommunication without manipulation

• “When I said ‘fine,’ I meant ‘I’m overwhelmed,’ not ‘I’m mad.’”

• “I assumed you understood, but I see you didn’t.”

• “I can see how that sounded; let me clarify.”

8) Someone questioning a claim (without attacking your sanity)

• “Are you sure that was the date?”

• “I’m confused—can you walk me through it again?”

• “That doesn’t match what I saw. What am I missing?”

9) Someone changing their mind

• “I thought I wanted that, but I don’t anymore.”

• “I’m revising my stance after thinking it through.”

10) Someone being inconsiderate, selfish, or even lying once

• “I didn’t call because I got busy.”

• “I never got the message.”

A single lie is lying.
Gaslighting is different. It’s a pattern aimed at making you doubt your reality.

Quick rule of thumb: It’s not gaslighting if they:

• leave room for your experience (“I might be wrong”)

• stick to the issue without insulting you

• don’t try to make you feel “crazy,” “too sensitive,” or unreliable

So What IS Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone tries to make you doubt your perception, memory, feelings, or sanity so they can control the narrative and avoid accountability.

Gaslighting is about the other person’s self-preservation.

Gaslighting sounds like:

• “That never happened.”

• “You’re imagining things.”

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “You’re crazy.”

• “You always do this.”

• “No one else has a problem with me—only you.”

Over time, the effect is predictable:

• You start double-checking yourself.

• You start walking on eggshells.

• You start over-explaining. (I did this constantly—thinking if I said it “better,” he’d finally understand.)

• You start collecting “evidence” for normal feelings—notes, screenshots, timelines, journals.

• You start asking friends, “Am I overreacting?” just to confirm you’re not losing your mind.

And the most painful part?
You can feel something is wrong… but you can’t prove it in a clean, tidy way—because manipulation rarely leaves receipts. And a manipulator will almost never agree to any factual reality that makes them look bad.

Some gaslighters know exactly what they’re doing. Others don’t have the vocabulary for it—but that doesn’t mean it isn’t intentional. Either way, the impact is the same: your reality gets distorted.

Now that we’re clear on what gaslighting is and isn’t—how do you spot it in real time?

That’s where DARVO comes in.

Part 2: The DARVO Model (How to Identify Gaslighting in Real Time)

DARVO is one of the clearest ways to recognize what’s happening while it’s happening. The term was developed by Dr. Jennifer Freyd and it describes a common response pattern when someone is confronted about harmful behavior.

DARVO stands for:

• D — Deny

• A — Attack

• RVO — Reverse Victim and Offender

Here’s an example.

You say:
“Hey, it really hurt me when you said that in front of everyone.”

1) Deny

• “I didn’t say that.”

• “You’re twisting my words.”

• “That’s not what happened.”

2) Attack

• “You’re always looking for a problem.”

• “You’re so dramatic.”

• “You’re impossible to talk to.”

3) Reverse Victim and Offender

• “Why are you attacking me?”

• “I can’t believe you’d accuse me of that.”

• “You’re the abusive one.”

• “I’m the victim here.”

So you start with:
“I’m hurt by what you did.”

And you end with:

• apologizing

• explaining yourself

• comforting them

• questioning your tone

• wondering if you’re the toxic one

That whiplash? That’s the point.

DARVO isn’t designed for clarity. It’s designed for control—to move you off the original issue and onto defending yourself. I used to walk into a conversation with a clear point… and somehow end up defending myself on a totally different topic.

Quick self-check:
If you bring up something specific and suddenly you’re arguing about your personality, your tone, your intentions, or your issues—instead of their behavior—DARVO may be happening.

Part 3: 5 Things You Can Do When You’re Being Gaslighted

These are not cute tips. These are stability tools. Because when gaslighting happens, your nervous system gets hijacked and your brain wants to “fix it” by proving your reality.

Don’t.

Here’s what to do instead.

1) Name the Pattern, Not the Debate

You don’t need to prove every detail. You need to identify the move.

Try:

• “We’re getting off track.”

• “I’m not going to debate my memory.”

• “I’m talking about the impact, not whether you agree.”

• “This feels like denial and blame-shifting.”

Even if you only say it in your head, it matters—because the moment you see the pattern, you stop getting hypnotized by it.

Key line: “I’m not here to convince you. I’m here to be clear.”

2) Hold the Original Point Like a Post in the Ground

DARVO’s power comes from dragging you away from the original issue.

So become a calm broken record:

• “The issue is what you said/did.”

• “The issue is you promised X and didn’t follow through.”

• “The issue is you lied about X.”

• “The issue is you crossed a boundary.”

When they deny/attack/reverse, repeat:
“I hear you. The issue is still this.”

Not louder. Not meaner. Just steadier.

Gaslighting feeds on chaos. Stability starves it.

3) Document Reality (For You, Not for Them)

When someone gaslights you, your brain starts losing trust in itself. So you create an external anchor:

• a private note in your phone

• a dated journal entry

• screenshots (if relevant)

• a simple “what happened / what was said / how I felt” log

Not to build a court case. To protect your mind from the slow drip of confusion.

Because later, when you think, “Maybe I am overreacting…”
you can look back and see: No. This is a pattern.

4) Stop Explaining Yourself to Someone Committed to Misunderstanding You

This took me years to learn: the trap is thinking if you say it perfectly, they’ll finally get it.

They won’t.

Because gaslighting isn’t a communication problem.
It’s a character and accountability problem.

So instead of over-explaining, pivot to boundaries:

• “I’m not continuing this conversation if you insult me.”

• “If you deny my experience, we’re done for now.”

• “We can talk when it’s respectful.”

• “I’m going to take a break.” (And then actually walk away.)

You do not need their agreement to set a boundary.
You only need your permission.

5) Reality-Check With Safe People—and Upgrade Your Support

Gaslighting thrives in isolation. Counter it with connection:

• one trusted friend

• a therapist or coach

• a support group

• anyone who helps you feel sane and steady

If you are repeatedly being gaslighted—especially in a relationship where you feel afraid, trapped, controlled, or psychologically unsafe—this becomes bigger than “communication.”

You deserve help. You deserve support. And you deserve a plan.

If you feel unsafe, consider reaching out to local resources or a domestic violence hotline for confidential guidance.

Final Takeaway

Gaslighting isn’t just someone being “difficult.” It’s a pattern designed to make you question yourself so someone else doesn’t have to face themselves.

DARVO is one of the clearest tells:
Deny. Attack. Reverse victim and offender.

Your job is not to out-argue manipulation.
Your job is to protect your reality.

Remember the five moves:

1. Name the pattern

2. Hold the original point

3. Document reality for yourself

4. Stop over-explaining—set boundaries

5. Reality-check with safe support