Women at Work Series:

How to Stop Taking Everything Personally and Start Thinking Like a Leader

By Shelly Cammish

Have you ever left a meeting replaying every word someone said? Did your boss challenge an idea and suddenly you felt like they were questioning your intelligence? Did a coworker disagree with you and your mind immediately jump to, "They don't respect me." If this sounds like you, this episode is for you.

Today we're talking about how to attack the problem—not the person. Most workplace conflict isn't about people. It's about problems. But somewhere along the way we've become conditioned to make everything personal.

We confuse disagreement with rejection. Feedback with criticism. Questions with judgment. And when we do that, we stop solving problems and start protecting our egos. Today I want to show you how executives think differently—and how you can too.

Why We Take Things Personally

Our brains are wired for survival. Thousands of years ago, rejection from the tribe could literally mean death. Today, our brain can still interpret social discomfort as danger. This is why we have a deep desire to fit in. Humans are social creatures because we used to literally need each other for survival and we do today as well but more on an emotional level than physical one.

A manager asks difficult questions. A teammate challenges your recommendation. Someone doesn't immediately agree. Your brain says, "I'm under attack." But you're not. You're in a discussion. Those are two very different things.

Emotion vs. Objectivity

One of the biggest differences between high-performing leaders and everyone else is this: leaders separate the issue from the individual.

Instead of asking, "Who caused this?" they ask, "What caused this?" Instead of saying, "You're wrong," they ask, "What information are we missing?" Notice the difference? The focus moves from blame to curiosity. And curiosity almost always produces better decisions.

The following are 5 things you can do today to work on not only attacking problems verses people but also as a guide to not take things so personally.

1. Separate Facts from Stories

Our brains are incredible storytellers. Someone interrupts us and we tell ourselves they don't respect us. A boss changes our presentation and we assume they don't value our work. But those are stories.

The facts might simply be that they had additional information, they were under pressure, or they had a different priority. Whenever emotions start rising, ask yourself: "What do I actually know to be true?" Not what you're assuming. Not what you're feeling. Just the facts. That question alone can prevent countless unnecessary conflicts.

2. Replace Defensiveness with Curiosity

One of the most powerful phrases you can use is: "Tell me more." Imagine your boss says, "I don't think this proposal is ready." Instead of defending every detail, try asking, "What specifically would make it stronger?" Now you've shifted the conversation from conflict to collaboration. Curiosity lowers everyone's defenses—including your own.

3. Challenge Ideas Like They Don't Belong to You

Here's something I learned years ago in executive leadership: your ideas are not your identity. They're simply options. When we become emotionally attached to being right, we stop listening.

The best leaders are willing to let go of their favorite idea if someone presents a better one. That's confidence. Confidence isn't believing you're always right. Confidence is believing you'll be okay even when you're wrong.

4. Focus on Shared Goals

Whenever conversations become tense, bring everyone back to the objective. Instead of saying, "I think," try saying, "Our goal is," "Our customer needs," "Our deadline requires," or "Our team is trying to accomplish." Notice how quickly personal opinions become collective problem solving. The conversation stops being about winning. It becomes about succeeding together.

5. Assume Positive Intent First

This doesn't mean ignoring bad behavior. It simply means not assigning negative motives without evidence. Most people aren't trying to make your life difficult. They're busy. They're stressed. They're solving different problems. They're operating from information you may not have.

When we assume positive intent first, we create space for better conversations. And if later we discover someone's behavior truly isn't acceptable, we can address it calmly—with facts instead of emotion.

A Simple Reframe

The next time someone challenges your work, instead of thinking, "They don't like me," try asking, "What problem are they trying to solve?" That single question changes everything.

Because when people feel heard, they become less defensive. When we stop protecting ourselves, we become better listeners. And better listeners become better leaders.

Why This Matters for Women

Many women have been socialized to seek approval, to keep everyone happy, and to avoid conflict. So when conflict does happen, it can feel deeply personal. But leadership requires something different.

It requires emotional regulation. It requires separating your value as a person from the quality of one idea. Your worth isn't on trial every time someone disagrees with you. Your proposal might be. Your recommendation might be. Your timing might be. But you are not. That distinction gives you incredible freedom.

Your Challenge This Week

For the next seven days, every time you feel yourself becoming defensive, pause and ask yourself three questions:

1. What problem are we actually trying to solve?
2. What facts do I know—not assume?
3. What question could I ask instead of defending myself?

Watch how those three questions completely change the tone of your conversations.

The strongest leaders aren't the ones who never experience emotion. They're the ones who don't let emotion make the decisions.

Attack the problem. Protect the relationship. Stay curious. Because when you stop making everything personal, you create room for better ideas, stronger teams, and a career built on influence instead of reaction. 

Remember; your greatest strength isn't always having the right answer—it's creating the kind of conversations where the best answer can emerge.